There's a word that's been following me around
Stalking my every movement
Clinging to me, barnacle-like, wherever I go
Ubiquitous
Omnipresent
And that word is...
Shitebag

You see, I'm a shitebag - or so I've been told
My whole life, for refusing to be bold
For being unable to throw caution to the wind
For allowing my inherent rationality to rescind
The order, for some reckless endeavour
Which seems like a good idea until you measure
The risk, to this porcelain skeleton
Brain chewing it over like a beef wellington
Before delivering the report – this shit is unsafe
Danger blows me away like a waif
Or a skinny girl, hungry for my attention
This is not how you combat hypertension

I don't know how I got like this
Forever standing at the foot of the tree
While untold splendours reside above
Reserved for those lofty enough to see
The unfiltered spectrum of possibility
Life's rich tapestry being woven
With courage and conviction
And absolutely nothing to be proven

If only this cowardice of body would temper my thoughts
Questionable ethics tying me up in knots
My penis has no regard for sexual equality
Overrules my brain like an unelected minority
I wouldn't skydive from a plane but tailspin into drama
Plot the script's turning points on a handy diorama
Drink ten pints of Guinness but never change a fuse
Self-assigned credibility too valuable to lose
Consciousness aching with unrequited desire
Ephemeral longing turns me into a liar
Scarred by jealousy, sick of pretending
Will this poverty of spirit be simply neverending?

But how would you like to be held to others standards?
Values assigned to your behaviour?
Maybe my circumspect code should be applied to all
Apprehensive living might just be your saviour...

You're staying out til late, aye?
Partying 'til your eyelids sag
Can't handle going home early eh?
You're a shitebag

So you've downed 13 vodkas?
Drinking 'til you boke and gag
Can't handle your water eh?
You're a shitebag

I'm a grown man apparently, done with peer pressure
So why should I justify what gives me pleasure?
A good cup of tea and an early night
A few pints down the pub and then exit stage right
My crazy days aren't behind me, they never began
The unremarkable confessions of a sensible young man
Casual alcoholism excepted I'm pretty straight
Fear and anxiety tend to conflate
So suspend your moral judgement and bilious barbs
Panes of expectation reduced to shards
Against perceived wisdom I'll plant a flag
Yours sincerely, a shitebag